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Exhale.

And, a-hum-hum-hum...

Busy as ever! Or perhaps, as never, and therefore, really not so busy, but relatively so (also, and truly this time, though the road between relativity and truth may be one way, as ever) One moment I will be overcome with worry need-more-time-need-more-know, and the next, at ease.

Working at the RRCDC [I AM WRITING YOU ON BEHALF OF THE ROCHESTER REGIONAL COMMUNITY DESIGN CENTER] is much different than it was over the summer. Janet (or, I think, in my mind I see Joni dancing in, clothes all waving about, as thats the sort she wears, singing out "Janetta..." or, on happier occasions, a duet between her and "Angela! Angelina!") has returned. I am thankful that my name does not lend itself to this silliness. In any case, Janet has returned and brought back a hurried, bothered, humbuggery to the office. And I am bound by paycheck (though lacking, thus far) to being doing rather than self-enriching, as it had once been.

And occasionally, I must justify, dispassionately, logically, the doings of the enterprise as a whole. I can't seem to help it that, when I come home at night and sit in bed, I cannot think about MISSIONS any longer. I am sad to say that I think this is the case with most people-- even the ones I have met, such as Joni herself, with the most genuine drive and commitment. I think she dreams about canoeing and still Vermont summers as much or perhaps more than she does urban renewal, sustainability, thoughtful policy and implementation... Like I said, I do believe that it is "just the way it goes."

I am trying my best to feel disappointed selectively, but "HOW CAN I... EVER CHANGE THINGS THAT I FEEL?" Politics. I have a question to that end-- Why is everything bundled? It is strategic. I have heard many things about DADT since yesterday's happenings, but none of them seem to reasonably take into consideration that very question. Why was this proposed in a bundle? Why not take a look and see how many policies are proposed in giant bundles, very loosely related to each other, and how that changes what is passed. And then, another item debated recently. Homosexuals supporting Republicans are hypocrites? Black and white black and white black and white. Skew skew and hot button. Good and bad good and evil.

There is legitimacy in prioritzation by sums... and I think, in the end, I can only be distressed if it is doled out by the Supreme Court. Everything else is too convoluted. I don't feel justified in blaming anyone for this particular occasion. What ever happened to civics class, by the way? A modernized version? I have no faith anymore. HOW CAN WE SIMULTANEOUSLY BLAME THE GOVERNMENT AND LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS FROM THAT SAME GOVERNMENT? I heard this asked to a history professor twice, after he finished explaining how absurd it was that universal health care did not exist, yet criticized every politician, every government organization, and etcetera that had pulled off previous attempts at just that. He couldn't answer. Either time. It haunts me to this day. Haunts haunts haunts. You know what else no one can answer (particularly in reference to health savings accounts, but it applies to many things, food stamps, for example)? Do you not trust the poor to make their own decisions about what they need the most?

A fellow in my social & political philosophy class today said he'd rather live in Somalia than in the U.S. I find that very deeply disturbing. I'd especially like to send him to Somalia and see if he feels the same way then.

Troubled by the thought of a therapeutic God. Wondering if, even in doubt of God, I am artificially creating a God-Therapist.

And what else is there? TA-ing. I dread the day that I must actually provide assistance to someone; I find myself wildly incompetent compared to the other TAs. Environmental Econ was intuitive for me. Graphs and jargon, no, nope. Treasurer-ing. Bulletin-ing. Cooking. Doubting.

And Kurt. His parents found him. Thats the part that bothers me the most. And the video attached to his obituary, with clips of a random gurgling stream between the pictures.

And miles of paperwork, phone calls, meetings, and red tape standing between me and that ever changing objective.

And vegetables. They are very delicious. And nostalgia. And so many nightmares. And a dream, too, about making up a bed for you. Four beds, so you could choose the sheets.


Know you're not counting me on the list, but I didn't forget. Keep meaning to, but just can't seem to get around to it.

I'm sorry none of this is important. Can't for the life of me figure out what is.

Oh yes, and one more thing: I've decided that if I ever fill out that whole notebook with something Very Good, good enough to be noted by something, then I will mail it back to you.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
songthtnevrends
Oct. 5th, 2010 04:34 pm (UTC)
List? Notebook? Mmm vegetables. Having a kitchen is excellent.

Also, much coldness lately.

Sorry for being so awkward at saying hi before.

I will have more to say later.
songthtnevrends
Oct. 5th, 2010 06:27 pm (UTC)
Also, having reread your other post, I'm glad I don't drink.
brownbarbaloot
Oct. 8th, 2010 12:49 pm (UTC)
Me too. Keep my secret confessions to myself, and the fun of sharing them for a time I will vividly remember and more vividly experience for that matter.

Zzzzzz
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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